thinkin' of ways to make it better…

So I should probably head off to bed, but I'm feeling the need to write this down. Liv sort of inspired me by her postage of the CD for Meg, which seems adorable by the way. I'm going to have to check out those songs afterwards.

I made Amanda a mixxCD earlier tonight. It was different than the other ones though, more honest maybe. There were some songs on there that admit that I'm scared and that I don't know what I'm going to do, that I don't want to lose her and I'm scared of what's really going on. Maybe she'll read into the lyrics and maybe not, but at least I feel like I've started a dialogue, no matter how much of a chicken I am at telling her the truth. I've actually got it on repeat on this computer so I can fall asleep to it tonight.

Stars in Her Eyes
crazy for this girl – evan & jaron
come what may – moulin rouge
u must be – gina rene
ships – bellevue cadillac
fall to pieces – avril lavigne
love of my life – clay akien
cat and mouse – red jumpsuit apparatus
take my breath away – berlin
in my head – anna nalick
somebody – bonnie mckee
just the way you are – billy joel
somewhere only we know – keane
maria maria – carlos santana
what a girl wants – christina aguilera
i love you always forever – donna lewis
september – earth, wind & fire
we can dance – dunno who its by
real world – matchbox 20
miles apart – yellowcard
semicharmed life – third eye blind

Sort of an interesting mix of music but then again that's how it usually ends up. She came to rescue me last night and we sat on her roof for a bit. The rents thought we went to get coffee but instead we made out in the cold under her quilt which she'd thrown in the car. I love how she travelled across the state in 10 minutes to spend time with me when she knew I was desperate.

I hate how we always seem to get started and then just when its getting good I have to leave. But that's life, isn't it? We should have talked about the important things but we didn't. We never have the conversations we should have because I'm so busy trying not to want her during the day around everyone else that as soon as I have her alone I always seem to just jump her. I'm such a bag of hormones it's nearly embarrassing.

Her parents are going away for the weekend. This means if she has me over Saturday night like she intends we've got the house to ourselves if she can get rid of her sister. I'm not sure if the idea makes me nervous or excited or a little of both. We've never had the luxury of not being inturrupted by something or other, be it time or a teacher or the fuzz or anything of a similar nature. I'm not sure how far we would go, if I could control myself. I don't want to do something I'm going to later regret but if she gets me to the point of no return am I going to keep going?

On an entirely different note, my room smells ridiculous. I think the dog peed somewhere on the carpet but all I know is that I can't even stand sitting in here. It's making me crazy, I keep sneezing, this is god awful. So I'm sending my sheets and bed crap to the laundry mat with my mother tomorrow and I'm going to have to get down and scrub the carpet. Remind me, someday when I'm in my own house, no dogs for a bit. I'd like my rooms to smell nice. Not like something up and died!

Even my candles aren't helping. I've been airing it out all day and it's just as bad as it was this morning. Except now it's cold as hell because I've had the window open. Some higher power enjoys mocking me, I swear.

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