If I wrote you a symphony…

So today was interesting. I can't figure out what we are anymore. I guess I'm still trying to resign myself to the fact that we can't have a committment and we're back to being 'friends with benefits' or just fuck buddies I guess. And it's freaking awful and it's eating me away and I can't take it because I want so badly to be together but I guess I see that we really can't.

I talked to Kayla and Court and Sarah and Justine and Chels and so they know but I mean how do I even begin to explain what happened when I don't even know myself. I'm still at school waiting for Erin to pick me up. We're going shopping and maybe hitting the movies for a bit. I've got the plastic, this could be all night.

She wants time. And I told her I'd give it to her because I'd give her anything she asked for. I skipped the end of gym today to hang out with her and we ended up making out for like an hour (minus some inturruptions when people walked in/by/anywhere near where we were).

I missed Zoe again but apparently Whit wigged out on everyone (especially Justine) so I wasn't missing all that much. She can be so self centered sometimes and she's always going off on Justine, who is just so nice I can't even imagine yelling at her. So missing Zoe was a bummer but I thought we'd at least get to talk about what happened. But well, you know how that goes.

And I mean I apologized for last night and making her upset and she's like you didn't, don't worry about it. Thing is, I know she was upset, you read the conversation and tell me she doesn't sound at least mildly miffed at me. I don't doubt that she loves me, it's the committment thing she's afraid of. She says she wants time, but she also wants space.

So I'm giving it to her. But how long is it fair for her to expect me to wait until she finally gets around to growing up and facing the realities of life. It sounds so harsh, and certainly there are things I deny that I should settle with myself, but I'm not the one who was abused. I just want the best for her and I thought that's what it was. I still think so, but right now I just have to be there for her and accept that she doesn't really want my help.

The last time we fought, like really had a full blow out was sometime around sophomore year, about the same thing. I told her she needed to talk to someone, that she couldn't just keep pushing people away and that I was there for her but she had to want to help herself. I told her I would be there for her, but I couldn't wait forever. And eventually I gave up and walked away and she stayed angry with me for a long time.

I swore I wouldn't do it again, leave her when things got tough, even though she was pushing me away. I swear I won't walk away this time, I swear I'm going to stick around and help her. But you can't help someone who won't help themselves. And you can't leave the rest of your life behind because she's not ready. And I won't wait forever.

Go ahead, call me a bitch if you like. But I can't wait forever. I deserve to be happy too.


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