All I ever wanted, and I'm throwing it away…

I did a lot of thinking today. Mom and I sat and talked for awhile about Amanda. Not about Amanda as my girlfriend since I don't plan on telling mom about that anytime soon, but about her as my close friend.

I don't doubt that Amanda loves me. I also don't doubt that she lusts for me either because I think she does, but not for the right reasons perhaps. She's told me that I'm the only constant in her life and I think that's true. I think she feels that I'm the only person she can talk to, the only one she can confide in, the only one she can trust. I've always been there for her, we've always been good friends, even when everything else in her life seems to be crumbling I'm there for her.

And I guess that's partially my personality. I'm a very empathetic person, I always get deeply involved in the lives of the people I care about. I'm naturally compassionate and I would do anything in my power to help a friend. I care deeply about my friends and I want them to trust me. I want to do whatever I can to help brighten their day. And with Amanda it's no different.

But I think she has come to see that as something more. No one in her family is like that, no one puts themselves out there for others. I've never seen any of them get excited about things or worry about her or anything and me, I'm always chuck full of emotions one way or another. I'm a very emotionally driven person. If I'm close to you, if I trust you or if I care about you I'm going to put everything on the line for you. It's who I am.

I do love Amanda. But I'm starting to think that maybe I love her the same way I love Donald. I can see him growing up to marry someone and having a family and I'm happy for him. I want him to have that, I want him to be happy but it doesn't and shouldn't be with me. I'm not jealous of his relationships, I love him and I genuinely want him to be happy.

I guess with Amanda it's sort of the same. If she was with some guy, married to him with a family and I knew she was happy, I can't see myself being jealous. I want that for her. I want her to wake up every morning and to be happy. I don't want her to hurt or to think about the past things that have carved holes in her heart. I want to see her children run around and to see the love in her eyes when she looks at them. I want to see her laugh with them and cry with them and just to be happy. If it was a woman she was with, I think I'd be jealous. But somehow if I imagine her married to a kind and loving man it just makes me smile. I don't understand.

I don't know if I want to marry her. I know I want her to look at my children like that, a look I can't explain but I can see in my mind's eye. Can two people really have that? I mean I'm 17 years old and god I'm not talking about marrying anyone right now, but I always imagined myself married to a man who loved me and raising a daughter. I want Amanda to look at my daughter like that. But how can I have both?

It just seems silly to think about and it makes more sense in my head. I don't doubt that I love her. I love her so much. I just don't know if this is the sort of love you have for someone you marry. Or the sort of love you have for your very best friend in the world who you want your children to know and love so very much. I wish I knew.

Because part of me thinks that's the way she loves me and she's getting confused. Am I confused too? My heart hurts from all this feeling.

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