Things my heart used to know…

I told her sister she ought to leave the auditorium because Amanda and I were going to make out like rabbits and she might feel a little uncomfortable. Ash totally thought I was kidding but left anyway, before Amanda jumped on me and thought it was hysterical that I actually said that. I do believe I said something about the truth setting you free before we maneuvered our way into the sound closet. Which by the way has asbestos, but if I die, it was probably worth it.

After she tried to leave for the third time since it was getting late and I had her wrapped up in the black velvet curtains, kissing her senseless, she's like “Why were you shaking before? You were all huddled against me in the fetal position like this,” and she shows me against my chest like I'd been standing against her. What was I supposed to say to her?

Lets see, Amanda, here goes:

For starters, I'm shaking because every nerve in my body is twitching and I'm ready to jump out of my skin. I can't breathe, I can't think, my body is numb and I want more. I don't even know what to do with myself when you do that to me.

And even if I did know what to do, and I've got some inclination you know, the last thing I want to do in the world is scare you away. I want you more than I think I even understand but I'm holding back. You're so sensitive these days and I don't know if being closer to you or being farther away from you is going to make the difference.

I still blame myself for letting him hurt you. I didn't know, how could I know, but he hurt you just the same and I was an insensitive asshole about it. I wasn't there for you when you needed me most and so you curled yourself tighter and pretended he didn't rape you. And I was too stupid to understand.

And now the speaker comes and you're a wreck for the week. You're sitting against your locker the most forlorn and scared look on your face I've ever seen. I've never seen you cry and your whole body is wracked with sobs. And so I hug you and hold you and pat your head and then you look up and I give you a little kiss on the cheek and you turn it into more than that. I don't want to push you but you seem to be pushing yourself. I will wait for you Amanda, I'm here for you as long as you need me. I promise. This time I won't leave you. This time I know and I'm staying and I swear I won't hurt you.

Yet you wonder why I'm standing here, clutching you, my body literally shaking. I can hardly stand up because my knees are quivering and I'm holding myself so tightly against you I wonder if I'm going to break your ribs. You wonder why I just put my head against you and say nothing and you think you've done something wrong. You've done nothing wrong. It wasn't your fault, it isn't your fault. I'm just the girl who loves you and completely loses it when you kiss her and I don't want to scare you.

I don't want to be like him, I don't want to remind you of him. Every time I touch you I ask myself if he touched you like this. Every time I hug you I wonder if he held you this close. I wonder if you kissed him like you kiss me, I wonder if his body did this when you came near him. But most of all I thank god he's not around because I quite seriously would kill him if I had the chance.


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