killing me softly, with his song…

[19:43] Amanda: psss are you staying after tomorrow by anychance
[19:43] *** Auto-response sent to Amanda: busy busy busy
[19:46] Amanda: i think we need to talk
[19:46] Amanda: just puttin it out there

^ that's not good, is it?


[20:12] Amanda: so mark asked me out
[20:12] Amanda: like legit
[20:13] Me: really?
[20:13] Amanda: yeah
[20:13] Me: cool. you gonna go?
[20:13] Amanda: i dont know
[20:14] Me: fair enough
[20:14] Amanda: what would you do
[20:14] Me: not sure. i dont know him
[20:14] Amanda: if the situation arose from another guy would you go
[20:14] Me: depends on who it was
[20:14] Me: johnny depp all the way 😀
[20:15] Amanda: seriously
[20:15] Amanda: i would too ps
[20:15] Me: i dont know. probably not
[20:17] Me: well you have good taste in men (in so far as johnny depp goes) so if you want to, go out with him. im not going to stop you, granted i probably wouldnt be thrilled but its not like ur married to me, you can go to the movies or out to dinner with whomever you want to
[20:20] Amanda: but i dont want to go out like on a date that would be somewhat cheating wouldnt it? i think it would be. i dont know what to do
[20:20] Amanda: and its not like we can just be friends now. he asked me out
[20:20] Amanda: its all weird
[20:21] Me: amanda, seeing as how we have never defined what we are, its not cheating. you cant cheat on seomthing that doesnt 'exsist'. if you want to go out with him, then im not stopping you. if you dont, then just tell him youre not into him an dleave it at that. donald and i are still friends, and hes asked me out like 3 times
[20:21] Me: im talking to him now, its sort of always like behind the scenes, him having asked me out, but hes still my friend so its not all that weird
[20:22] Amanda: you wouldnt that we are dating
[20:22] Amanda: *say
[20:23] Amanda: because i didnt think it was this purely sexual relationship if it is let me know
[20:23] Me: when i asked you in the car if i was ur girlfriend i wasnt being fecicious. i was being vulnerably honest. i dont know what i am to you and im willing to wait for one of us to figure it out and bring it up. i dont know how to identify commitment, ive never been very good at that
[20:24] Me: and for the record, that part about this being purely sexual hurts my feelings just a tad
[20:24] Amanda: well the previous statement just hit me a little
[20:24] Amanda: i dont think it is
[20:24] Me: this conversation is difficult online btw
[20:24] Me: what did u want me to say when you said he asked you out?
[20:25] Me: tell you that i was mad jealous and that i was going to go and knife him?
[20:25] Amanda: i dont know
[20:25] Me: give me a break. im a crazy bitch but jeez
[20:25] Amanda: no your not
[20:26] Me: after the whole simone wig out on my part, i was sort of trying to stay away from taht whole crazy/needy/jealous girlfriend steroytype bc lets face it, its not very becoming
[20:26] Amanda: i just dont know what to do
[20:27] Amanda: it wasnt a wig out. i was over it then. i doesnt matter. i was an ass for even bringing it up. but im just trying to figure my life out.
[20:27] Me: well lets start at the bottom then
[20:27] Me: do you like him?
[20:27] Amanda: i dont even know
[20:27] Amanda: we have something
[20:27] Amanda: dont we
[20:27] Amanda: i think we do
[20:28] Me: i dont know if you have something with him. im looking at this purely objectively speaking now. as brie your friend since elementary school, not as brie whatever ive been since the beginning of the summer
[20:28] Me: it would be stupid to even ponder the question of going out with him if you werent into himin teh first place
[20:28] Me: and thus we're starting at the bottom question
[20:29] Me: if the answer is anything but a no, then we move on
[20:29] Me: even if its a maybe
[20:29] Me: and thus the next question
[20:29] Amanda: what is the next question
[20:29] Me: can you picture you guys dating?
[20:30] Amanda: thats not an easy question. but no i cant picture it
[20:30] Me: ok fair enough. if there were nothing stopping you, age, relationships either of you have or the one with you both, anything, would you consider dating him?
[20:31] Amanda: if i didnt consider myself as a label then i would think about considering it
[20:31] Amanda: if that makes sense
[20:32] Me: it does
[20:32] Me: is possibly losing/changing the friendship with him worth whatever you're going to get from dating him?
[20:34] *** “Amanda” signed off at Mon Oct 09 20:34:27 2006.
[20:34] Me: if it was something i said then please forgive me. but for the record i wasnt the one who started this awkward conversation, for once in my life
[20:34] *** Error while sending IM: This user is currently not logged on

No, no it wasn't good. I think I'm in shock actually.

EDIT 2 – apparently we weren't done

[20:46] Amanda: if i run away make sure that ash is taken care of okay
[20:46] *** Auto-response sent to Amanda ***
[20:47] Amanda: if nothing else make sure she'll be okay
[20:51] Me: you arent going to run away
[20:51] Amanda: i seriously am going to take off
[20:52] Me: at least tell me where you plan to go?
[20:52] Amanda: i just need some time
[20:52] Amanda: i have no idea
[20:52] Amanda: until my money runs out
[20:52] Me: thats fine. just remember that once you leave the hardest part is coming back
[20:53] Amanda: im sorry about this
[20:54] Me: if you're really serious about leaving remember that im here if you if you need anything. i'll miss you and i think you should reconsider but i stand by ur choice and if thats what you want i won't stop you
[20:55] Amanda: i need you to stop me
[20:55] Amanda: i need someone to tell me what to do because i can think or make decisions
[20:56] Me: i can tell you a million times that im always here for you but until youbelieve me, and i mean really really believe me its not going to make you stay
[20:56] Me: i can ask you to stay but unless you want to stay it wont make you
[20:58] Me: and so im asking you to stay
[20:58] Me: because i think if u leave ur making a huge mistake
[20:59] Me: but if you do leave, just promise me you'll say goodbye
[21:00] Amanda: i promise
[21:01] Me: thank you
[21:03] Amanda: i really and am truly sorry for all of this tho
[21:03] Me: for all of what?
[21:03] Amanda: me not being able to cope with my life and dumping it on you
[21:04] Me: it would only be dumping if my arms werent outstretched to hold it
[21:04] Me: you dont have to be sorry
[21:04] Amanda: but i am
[21:05] Me: im sorry taht you have things you feel you have to dump in the first place
[21:06] Amanda: dont be the one who is sorry this is me being so fucked up emotionally i cant even deal
[21:07] Me: if there was something else i could think of, some other way to help you i would, but i cant. all i can do is sit here. i cant do anything. and its the worst feeling in the world to know that you need something that i cant give you. and thats what im sorry for. im sorry that this is all i can do because i wish i could do more
[21:11] Amanda: you have given me everything i have ever wanted and more. i dont wanna lose you.
[21:11] Me: how are you going to lose me?
[21:12] Amanda: because im fucking up everything that has ever been important to me
[21:13] Me: hunny take a deep breath. dont look at me like that i mean it. deep breath and think. what have you ruined thats been important to you? and what makes you think you're ruining this?
[21:17] Amanda: well i cant breathe for starters. ive been having a panic attack for the past 20 minutes. but that changes the subject. i just dont wanna do anything to ruin us. whether we have a relationship or whatever or if we dont, i dont wanna ruin it and i think im going to because i act on impulse and im afraid im going to do something stupid and hurt you. and id rather die first
[21:20] Me: dear, my heart has always been in pieces. its rather hard to break something thats already broken so i dont think you need to worry about that. i'm not going anywhere. you dont need to be sorry for being human, jesus, i'm just as human as you are
[21:20] Me: and i figured u couldnt breathe. thus the deep breaths. in through your nose, out through your mouth. slowly. i swear, it helps
[21:23] *** You have been disconnected. Mon Oct 09 21:23:17 2006.
[21:24] *** “Amanda” signed on at Mon Oct 09 21:24:14 2006.
[21:24] Amanda: and there she goes
[21:24] *** Auto-response sent to Amanda: Tell me what we got
Tell me it's a lot
Tell me it's the real thing
Tell me not to change and always be the same
Tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie
Tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate, driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
That keeps me hangin on
[21:24] Me: i blame the lousy internet
[21:24] Amanda: welcome to my life
[21:24] Me: if you said something i didnt get it because it signed me off just after i sent it to you
[21:24] Amanda: it went something like i wanna go running for a long while
[21:25] Me: to where?
[21:25] Amanda: i have no idea, yet again
[21:26] Amanda: but im not because i dont ahve sneakers
[21:26] Me: thats probably for the best
[21:26] Amanda: its either that or im going to sit outside all nite
[21:26] Amanda: and just attempt to clear my head
[21:27] Me: make sure you bring socks and a sweatshirt. its cold outside. and leave the door unlocked in case you wan tto go back inside
[21:28] Amanda: im bringing a blanket
[21:28] Me: good choice
[21:30] Me: dont hesitate to call me for anything. you know im here. i always sleep with my phone under my pillow
[21:30] Amanda: i do the same thing
[21:31] Me: now might not be the time, but im not usually one to sleep through a phone call like some people :P. and if that sounded mean i dont mean it that way, im only trying to make you smile
[21:31] Amanda: i am smiling
[21:31] Amanda: it was a good one
[21:31] Amanda: not gonna lie
[21:31] Me: ❤
[21:31] Amanda: ❤
[21:33] Amanda: i found gloves
[21:33] Me: mittens are warmer
[21:33] Amanda: i cant find any in the dark
[21:33] Me: honest to god amanda if they find you frozen outside tomorrow im going to kill you. just so were clear
[21:34] Amanda: ok
[21:34] Amanda: im not going to die
[21:34] Me: **that also includes if anyting freezes off
[21:34] Amanda: intentionally
[21:34] Me: greaaaaat
[21:34] Me: that makes me feel 100% better
[21:34] Amanda: sry
[21:34] Amanda: ohh there go my toes
[21:34] Me: if this were the summer id be totally for it. its cold outside. cant you powpow in the kitchen?
[21:34] Me: *powwow
[21:34] Amanda: no not the same effect
[21:35] Amanda: no eriously im going outside for a good long time
[21:35] Me: yea i kno. its the stars and partially the fact thats its cold outside
[21:35] Amanda: its me being able to breath
[21:36] Me: if i lived closer id sit with you 🙂
[21:36] Amanda: that would be nice
[21:36] Me: stay out there for as long as you need to. just be aware i expect you in school tomorrow and if you arent im sending people to come find you
[21:36] Amanda: do what you have to do
[21:37] Amanda: i wont mind
[21:37] Me: christ. i mean it though amanda. i will skip school to come find you
[21:37] Amanda: jezz
[21:37] Amanda: ill try to br around
[21:37] Amanda: i never break a promise
[21:37] Me: i know you dont
[21:38] Me: if you dont say goodbye i wont ever forgive you
[21:38] Amanda: that is acceptable
[21:38] Me: promises are one thing that are very serious
[21:38] Amanda: i know
[21:39] Amanda: but im seriously going to go sit for a while
[21:40] Me: okay
[21:40] Me: keep warm
[21:40] Me: i'm around if you need anything
[21:40] Me: i hope you find what youre looking for ❤
[21:40] Amanda: ok babes
[21:40] Amanda: thank you
[21:40] Amanda: <33
[21:41] *** “Amanda” signed off at Mon Oct 09 21:41:09 2006 ***

Life just seems to be coming down around our ears right now. I'm so confused. And hurt but how can I feel hurt over this when she's practically dying inside?

PS: kudos of you actually read all of that


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