Mm, my foot's asleep. 😦
Zoe today after school. And her life seems to be falling apart right now and I have no idea what to do. Granted I certainly don't help when I freak out about Simone because I'm hella jealous beyond belief.
But I can't help it. When she talks to the first girl that she ever really had a thing for and randomly brings it up in a conversation when not ten minutes earlier I was sort of nervous she might kill herself — yes, I get upset. Yes, I get jealous. Yes, I sit on my bed for a good five minutes and cry because I think she's going to Simone because I'm doing something wrong. Yes, I'm insecure. Yes, I'm only human. God.
So it might very well have constituted as our first fight.
So Zoe today. As I was saying. She reads this poem, Concerns for Cowboys. Can I tell her that I think it's awful? Damn that's cruel. But I've never really liked her poetry. It's not bad, don't get me wrong, I mean maybe it's fantastic and I just can't see it. But she writes like an angsty middle schooler. And I sound like such a high-follutin bitch saying that but it's what I think.
So I told her I thought it was good. What can I say? Last night she was all, I can't write, I hate life, I hate my family, I hate school — it was basically a fuck the world evening. And I wanted to make it better. So I told her she wasn't a bad writer and that everything would be okay. The writer thing, I guess it's all about perspective. She's the best writer she can be. And I give her huge props for being honest when she writes. She just needs to refine. All her poems sound the same. Maybe someone would say the same thing about mine, it's not the end of the world if they did.
She's killing me. I can already feel the anxiety welling up inside me. Last night I had one of those, fuck, what if I'm losing her, thought conversations where I lay on my back in bed curled up in the covers and stare blankly at the ceiling pondering life. What if I can't handle this? I can hardly do my own issues and Kayla's issues (which involve going to Cory's dorm tonight alone and god don't get me started on that one right there – I'm poised to answer the phone and sweep in for a rescue mission) and Sherb's issues and gah. I haven't handled Amanda issues in ages, since we last ended being friends actually. Because it got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore.
Can I do this? Can I be the friend and the lover and the fall back and cry on girl? Can I keep my sanity and try to stop myself from calling her and just losing it all over the phone? Is it fair to handle her issues but to be so afraid to burden her with mine?
Can I hold this all together, or am I going to lose her to my own inadequacies?