I'm in over my head…

So we spent the day at my grandmother's pool. And we laughed and we fought over noodles like it was nothing special. But was there something special? God I wish it was something special.

And then I wonder if maybe I've just imagined how I feel about her. I saw Marge again today and I've decided that she's probably the prettiest girl I've ever seen. She was telling Elise that she's exactly 5'3/4″, just like I am. She's probably three or four sizes skinner than I am but that's because she's a swimmer.

She has this great feminine features and long dark eyelashes. I think she's got blue eyes and maybe even some freckles. She's also got a really great ass if I do say so myself. Who the hell looks at girls' asses? Apparently I do now. Not like I could help it – is this a phase or what because I need to seriously figure out what the hell is going on. But damn she's pretty. And her hair was in a braid, which is my favorite.

And thus we fought on noodles, us two. I can't figure her out, you know? But she did tell me that apparently she was a 'freaker outer' when she realized she was gay. How stupid does that sound right? Realized she was gay. Come'on. Is that something you realize? Something you've always known? Something you come to terms with?

I think in my own case, accepting the fact that I might also be attracted to girls is probably just a 'coming to terms with' sort of thing. The idea (as you can obviously see) still freaks me out. Is it always going to freak me out? I don't know the answer to that one. I also don't know if I'll ever have relationships with women, or if I did, if I would even know how to. She's so different than any guys I know. Although I suppose that's not saying much when you look at the male population I'm aquainted with.

She blew off her job at the zoo to come with her sister to be with me. Is that something friends do, or more than friends? We play fought in the pool. Friends or more? We blew bubbles in the cabana and she took pictures of them sticking to the floor and walls. And she popped the ones that stuck to my toes. Friends or more? Does she even know what she wants? Because I sure as hell don't but I wanted her to kiss me more than anything when we were in the pool. Actually, I would have even contemplated kissing her myself (was my mother, sister, her sister, and grandmother not there) if not only for the chance of getting away with it without any unwanted reprecussions and the shock factor which should have allowed me to win.

We talked about relationships with friends our last long conversation. She and Kait were together for awhile, but they were less friends and more aquaintences and although she claims no awkwardness between them, I can't help but think she feels funny around the girl. I don't know what I would do if we started something and then it didn't work out. I care about her a lot but how could I look at her in the hall everyday and know that I kissed her and that (maybe) it went farther than that. How is that not at least mildly weird? Maybe this comes from lack of having to see ex's but still. She thinks I'm wrong obviously, but I just can't tell if she thinks I'm wrong because she wants there to be an 'us' or if it was just another conversation reflecting on life which we often have after eleven at night.

This entry is excessively long so I'm saving the more I've got to say for another time.


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