and it's all for nothing…

How do I make this feeling go away? I feel like there's this hole inside of me that I can't get rid of. I can't eat, I can't sleep, every second of my consciousness feels like I'm thinking about her. What the hell is wrong with me?

I've tried everything I can think of. I'm sitting on my bed with this laptop, blankets wrapped around me but my body keeps shaking even though I'm not cold. I've got this gut feeling in my stomach that settles like a bucket of bricks. I called her this morning – left a message actually. I told her I'd had a dream, that I was worried and to be careful.

She's at J&W, dorming with that Lindsay chick. Am I possibly jealous? What that hell for? That my lesbian friend is with her lesbian friend in the same room at cooking school while I'm alone in my room with the shades drawn trying not to be sick but since I'm supposedly straight, that everything thing is okay? Is that even a fucking sentence? Apparently the answer is yes to both questions. Were there even two questions?

You know I can't even bring myself to cry. Donald and I confess our love to each other and he's all into the idea of dating and I don't have the heart to tell him that I'm not attracted to him. Is it that he's got a penis? What the hell, it's never stopped me before!!! I'm freaking losing my mind.

My father has come in here twice to ask how I am. What the hell am I supposed to say? Oh yeah dad, I'm just fine. Only worried that this girl I'm into is having illicit sex in a dorm room with a lover I've never met. Oh, that'd go over real big.

And is that what I'm really worried about? Is that why this ajada has had ahold of me for days it seems. I work right up the street from her house. Today, all day, I kept wondering if she's driving by. I've started looking for her car. Did you know I know the last time she was online? Because I've checked for days now because I haven't talked to her. It's like fucking withdrawl or something.

So then the only question is, is she avoiding me? I put that stupid thing in my profile, but I can't bring myself to take it out. I'd hold hands with you in the dark anytime. She put it in hers too. And then something about how she's in love. What the frig? And I haven't been on at the same time as her since I saw it, so it's not even like I can look at it again so I know what the hell it actually says. For all I know I imagined the whole thing. Wouldn't be the first time.

So I guess I'm just waiting. You know I looked up online horoscopes last night? And had my tarot cards read. Only thing I was concentrating on was her. And the reading was inconclusive. Who the hells gets an inconclusive reading with tarot!?!? Me, of course. So I'm just running in circles. Tell her, don't tell her. Call her, don't call her. Think about her, ignore that she exists.

Easier fucking said than done if you ask me.


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