the L word

And I thought she meant Laura. Chalk it up to paranoia but I think I keep dreaming about her and Aurora. So she thinks Aurora is attractive, well don't get me wrong, she is, but then there's the remark about how my icon is hot, the icon of me and now I don't know what to say and things get terribly awkward. I just think I should tell her and I can't bring myself to do it.

We had a weird conversation on the phone friday night. About which celebrities I would go gay for. None of them if you ask me but she was determined to find one – I told her she never would and then this nagging voice in the back of my head keeps muttering that this wouldn't be so terribly ironic if possibly the only person I would go gay for wasn't her. Talk about an interesting predicament that conversation was.

So then while she's out with Hannah last night I have to go and call and tell her well, no there isn't any celebrity, but let's see. There have been 5 females I guess you could consider me to have been attracted to throughout my life. Granted I was quite young and completely and thoroughly convinced that three of them were in fact men, but that's probably better for me. So 5 in 17 years isn't half bad I guess right?

So she's mad I won't tell her who. Right because, yes, you're number 5 would really keep with the cover at this point. So I won't tell her who and then she starts in on how well sometimes I come across as a bit lesbian. Well, that must be why I can't seem to attract the right types of guys! Its because they all fucking think I freaking gay. Thanks for solving that mystery for us, Amanda.

I wonder what she tells her psychiatrist. This thought has been plaguing me since she told me that she still sees the woman twice a month. It would be totally rude to ask, but I wonder if she's ever brought me up. While the idea is obnoxiously self absorbed and conceited, not to mention downright nosy and creepy, I still wonder. What does she tell that woman about? That she was mad in love with Laura who doesn't want her? Did she tell this woman about Thomas and how they had sex to Rage Against the Machine? Does this woman realize that there is a huge and nearly neon red blinking sign which associates that event with how everything in her life just fell apart?

Or am I the only one who notices because I spend too much damn time these days thinking about where she is and wanting to talk to her when I could be thinking about a whole life of other things. I thought I was beyond this small obsession but I guess its just come back to bite me in the ass.

Among other things, Jon sent me a picture the other night. Jesus what am I going to do about him?

And let me just say I think she's completely wrong. The sheer amount of guys that run through my daydreams are proof of that. I am not gay. I just so happen to be attracted to a female. There, you see, I've said it. I find her attractive. And god only fucking knows why because at least if I was going to do chics I could have picked someone a bit easier on the eyes, but here we are just the same.

Celebrities I would go gay for? Please. There is only one person I would ever go gay for, and I have a hard time admitting that to even myself. What am I going to do? Just the idea of her lately makes me sick – sick of myself, sick with worry, sick with envy, just sick in general. Maybe I should go and see her shrink…

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